December 8—Grandma Hicks Day

There is probably little I can get for Grandma this year that she might want or be able to use. But I will try this forum of public tribute as one of the only things I could think of.

Probably most of the things I think are good about myself come from my mother. I don’t know where the things that are bad about myself came from, and I though I will probably bring some of those things up, I swear I won't attribute them to anyone, particularly not my parents!

My mom taught me how to write. Public school didn’t really do it for me. I took all the AP English classes that Tucson had to offer and ultimately I learned what I have from mom sitting down at the rounded formica counter and teaching me from square 1.

She taught me at the word level, at the sentence level, and at the idea level.

So I guess more than teaching me to write, she taught me how to think. Most of the time I go to compose my thoughts for a Relief Society lesson it is building on something she once said that I thought was interesting. I based my recent talk on Chastity in my ward on the things that she taught me as a young girl that helped me stay out of danger. The ideas worked then and apparently they seem helpful now--I was asked to give a youth fireside on chastity! Yikes!

I have formed some of the theoretical building blocks of what makes for good character on the things that she has said over the years. One such example is when I learned from her the concept of normalization, and how important it can be when being helpful and compassionate to others.

Her story examples always dovetailed perfectly with her statements. When she spoke about normalizing others' feelings, I remember nearly every word of her story about Sister S in her ward who had just lost her husband, and said: “I get so mad at him for dying that I just want to go up to heaven and strangle him to death again.” There were perhaps a lot of things my mom could could have said to argue against this questionable reasoning or lecture her about how she really should take comfort that she will see him again, etc. But it isn't as if my mom could have explained the concept of eternal marriage to her for the first time, Sister S. knew all those things already, and it isn't what she needed to hear at that moment. The situation called for an extra dose of compassion and support, so mom told Sister Stock: “Of course you do.”

Disagreement is of course possible among family members, and in a lot of cases I argue that people should be allowed leeway to be open about their own opinions without being branded as hostile or contentious. Free exchange of opinions, not needing to all be the same, doesn't automatically mean the desire to be disagreeable, negative, reactionary, to show someone up for sport sport or self-aggrandizement, or to detract from people in particularly vulnerable situations like this. Intention is the key. If people are having the free exchange of ideas without potential for hurt or sensitivity on any side, I think that it is a helpful forum for everyone to express their views to see how far they go. I know that I don't have any use for opinions that aren't much good, and it doesn't help to have family indulge me only to find out from others later where I have gone wrong.

But free ideology need not cross all boundaries in all situations, it is a delicate matter. And support and normalization is sometimes much more called for after careful discernment. When people are expressing their feelings (and specifically not their opinions), it is helpful to have people make us feel more comfortable with them. Mom was pointing out a good example of this. It was not the time or the relationship to discuss theoretical issues or be devil's advocate, and before she worried about whether she agreed with sister S, she made sure to give her general approval.

All this of course is easier said than done, and just because she taught me well doesn't mean I will always get it right. But my mom at least proves that whatever else we do, when we want to, we CAN be well said. And the eloquent expression of ideas can, as hers has for me over the years, been inspiring of further thinking and at least the option of good decision making. There is something to be said for those goals, and part of the legacy she leaves me.